Thanks for the amazing service you provide via Substack and your private practice. Iâm always seeking opportunities to fill my purpose cup. As such, I can relate to your writing.
Would you please mind sharing your version of (no brainer) meaning? ððŽIâm curious.
By the way, I find myself constantly trying to catch my purpose. I chose that verb because it seems such an elusive pursuit to me! Sheesh! I reiterate my gratitude!
Hi Tam...not sure what you mean by "your version of meaning"....meaning of life? I don't put a lot of weight in "meaning of life"...I think it is simply to "live"....it is a grand opportunity...it, to me, does not need more meaning than that. Purpose is a little be more difficult to come up with.
Well, this is a constant and touchy subject for me. I watch people living their lives in such rudderless ways, always trying to DO things to make themselves feel better. They are never satisfied, never peaceful, never curious, never "thoughtful" or pondering things, and are completely unaware of the wonders all around them. I generally keep my thoughts to myself. But my dear niece, that I had always taken care of when her mom died, came to a point in her late 50's where she was having panic attacks because she was confused and "unhappy." She tried everything that is popular out there to try to make herself feel good - redecorating, drinking, buying things, even motorcycle racing. I tried so hard to get her to listen to the idea of her deeper self - her spiritual self - her 'aware" self that is behind her daily life and stop rushing around doing busy things. After a year of giving her books she refused to read, or trying to engage her in conversations about it, she suddenly yelled at me that she didn't want to know about such things, and hasn't spoken to me in 2 years. I regretfully assume I was ignorant in my approach. Anyway, it has been so obvious to me that people in our American materialistic, constant entertainment, thrill-a-minute culture that people are frighteningly empty and don't know it. I see older people who have their church community to give them purpose, but they still don't have peace or contentment. I see kids being so angry and ugly and hateful to everyone that it's frightening. Let me contrast that with videos made by Peter Santenello on Youtube that was taken through the biggest slum in India by a teenager who was delightful, desperately poor, but rich with endless friends in a culture that cares about each other. I think Americans have lost any deep connection to Nature, beauty, awe, gratitude, compassion, and just simply knowledge from lack of reading books written by people who have deeply thought about life. Todd, you are outstanding at bring up subjects that really get people to think about things. Thank you.
Thank you so much Barb...that is indeed what I am trying to do. It seems that so many of us have the same "thing" at our core...all I do is write what I am feeling, and so many of your resonate with it...most of the time at least.
You really said it here...and so well. All you say fits in exactly with my feelings...thank you for presenting them here. As they say "we are looking for love (another word for meaning and contentment) in all the wrong places"...so true.
Your patients are lucky. What a terrific bunch of thoughts you've put forth here. Regarding fun, I like it, and pursue it, and think it's an important part of life, at least for me. This passage "an intense physicality that causes the flow of adrenaline and dopamine" describes my favorite pastimes perfectly. Just got back from a few days of steelhead fishing. Mosquitos were bad, it was warmer than predicted. I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that when a steelhead (a 7-15 pound type of rainbow trout) struck, EVERYTHING else goes away. The mosquitos that were driving me crazy cease to exist. The pounding heart, being so completely in the moment, tell me I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. Now there's some therapy for you. Deer hunting creates the same thing. These type pursuits are not what you do if you're looking for instant gratification. The rarity of the payoff moments is what keeps them forever worth chasing. Not for everyone, some prefer tamer things like golf and movies. But for me that flow of adrenaline and dopamine is where it's at. Within the larger context of a meaningful life, best we can make it, of course.
Hey, if you are not complaining of depression, meaninglessness, lack of purpose, then you are doing everything just right!! Even if a person plays all of time, does not mean he/she is not making meaning of their lives. I do think, if analyzed, one would see the quality of "play" and "fun" is particular in nature...i.e., not sitting on a couch staring at a screen, being out with people, and nature, exercising the body, developing skills (behavioural mastery), engaged in relationships etc. etc.
I would suspect that at some point in an "active playful" life there would come up deeper meaningful things to spend one's time with...but if anyone is enjoying life to its fullest as you describe...then all power to them!!!
I wholeheartedly agree about nature. But then I'm biased, all my favorite activities involve being in the middle of it. Many never cause heart-pounding excitement, but I still love them. Those are the ones I can share with my wife, we're so lucky to be able to do that. Your mind goes to different places when in nature than when vegging out in front of a screen, I've noticed.
Interesting, here in Germany we work with the same words. Happiness against contentment. Happiness is a short shiny feeling like having fun in a rollercoaster. While contentment is a more relaxed feeling that lasts longer, and is not so obvious. Many people are content without realizing this, they just feel good.
When i look into the old books from Norman Vincent Peale again i read something similar. People want to be happy instead of being content and realizing how good their situation already is. And as today, they don't want to work for their happiness, it should come instantly, otherwise they get bored, or are unsatisfied.
Noone today really ask himself or herself what the purpose of his or her life is, noone takes the time to sit back and relax, we just always have to do something. I think boredom is our only help. Just let all powerlines collapse, so the people realize, that they have human neighbours one can even talk too.
Part of the "masculine" paradigm is a great emphasis on "doing"...the feminine counterpart is "being"...our current materialist culture is much more focused on masculine principles...such as "doing"...manipulation of the material world (matter). People in this culture believe that "being happy" is the goal, and the only way to reach that goal is by "doing" something. As you say, very few realize the real goal is "contentment"...happy and fun is good for some of the time, and is very important, but isn't the "only thing"...
"Epicureans believe that avoiding pain means not fearing the gods or death, and not desiring things that are not both natural and necessary. Peace of mind should be maintained by living simply and having strong friendships with people you can count on."
As humans, I feel daily that weâre moving away from our humanity, believing machines are better suited to manage the menial tasks, all the way to âthinkingâ for us. Whatâs left if we outsource our very nature as physical, spiritual beings? There is no purpose for us. This disconnection from ourselves through the constant connection to everything BUT our true selves has, and continues to, create the âwar with ourselves/each other human, manifesting in the chaos of which we continually complain. There is diminishing authenticity of the reality of us as a unique species. Weâre voluntarily giving away our very souls. And the wily, sinister ones among us know and promote this as they understand how easily it makes controlling us; just like the very machines we think will make our lives better.
"As humans, I feel daily that weâre moving away from our humanity, believing machines are better suited to manage the menial tasks, all the way to âthinkingâ for us." A quite profound and important statement.
Everything else you say here is right on the mark in my book.
When my children were becoming adults, I also used to find that sentiment jarring and shallow when people would say 'I just want them to be happy'. I used to think 'so if your daughter had an affair with someone else's husband and broke up a family, but it made her 'happy', you'd think that was great?'. Not me. I told my children I hoped they would grow up to be responsible adults who would always consider other people and not always put themselves first (not saying it has always worked out 100% that way, but you try!).
So right on...I am happy to say I now know a parent who did not say "all I want for you (to child) is to be happy"...I understand why parents say this...it is easy and clear...but as you state, it is not very accurate.
Excellent article, Todd. I'm totally with Victor Frankl. I note also, that CS Lewis didn't call his book where he describes his slow and totally unwanted conversion to Christianity (as 'the most reluctant convert in all England') 'Surprised by Happiness'. He called it 'Surprised by Joy'.
Seems like weâre culturally satiated in all our desires by the endless scroll of the screen. Like you said about the adrenaline and the dopamine, these digital interactions do the same - perhaps more insidiously because they give us a feel of being connected without any real connectivity. It makes me think of the drug in Brave New World, and the endless pursuit of fun, but the âSavageâ wants real life - âI want the freedom to work hard/sufferâ (or something along those lines). And, boy, do I feel that! I watched a little bit of TV as a teen, but I otherwise wasnât overly interested, and I was baffled at my peers who seemed to live their lives through Friends, crying together after the finale episode. Perhaps itâs that Iâd gone through real grief with the loss of my mother at 12 years old, but it made no sense to me (now, donât get me wrong, I love the catharsis of crying through a good movie, and also cried my way through Parenthood). Then again, my free time was usually spent wandering outside in nature, dreaming up gardens, writing poetry, and reading. Even now, part of my current cultural rebellion is that Iâve stopped watching entertainment of most all kinds, and I am back to a life of writing and wandering nature. Weâve never owned a tv, but smart phones and computers are more than enough for chronic distraction. I wonât let my children piddle around on my phone, not even to scroll through my picture reel. And when my 6 year old son asks why, Iâve told him âBecause this tool is not healthy for you, and your brain is still growing and I canât let it be impacted by it.â Meanwhile the software developer father scrolls the photo reel and Instagram with him. It could be worse, but, oh, it rankles me. Because Iâm the one facing the brunt of what addiction to technology does to a relationship (even without a porn addiction, just technology and coding). No pursuit, no physical interest, frustration at inconveniences and hard things, utter meaninglessness. The better word, I think, is âacediaâ. The overuse of technology creates Acedia, a spiritual sloth. I genuinely believe technology is the Baal of our day, it is the god that has replaced any place or need for God. Weâre always connected, so thereâs no need or room for the Holy Spirit to work in us. So meaninglessness reigns. Thereâs no goal, nothing in life to work towards, just endless computering, and thatâs enough somehow. I might be judgey about it, and perhaps Iâm wrong. But Iâm continuing my rebellion with my children. They are homeschooled and the 13 year old special
-needs girl down to the 6 year old boy know how to hand sew, machine sew, crochet, knit, quill, Highland dance, horseback ride, compose poetry, whittle, identify plants, and do their own (age/ability-appropriate) chores. They are never bored. Well, almost never, theyâre still human children ð My house might be a constant mess of handicrafts, but my children arenât living their lives through a screen. They have been provided with much fodder to keep a flame of meaningfulness as they grow - I hope, at any rate. And now, as my 6 year old is telling me get to get off my phone because I said itâs not good to be in it, Adieu! ð
Seligman believes happiness comes from pursuing the good life, finding flow and meaning. Later he added having fulfilling relationships. We will include these four variables in our biopsychosocial assessment (with children) at our new center in Portsmouth. A easy question would be, "What are the things you do that provide you with a sense of purpose?"
Acts of service, for one. Expanding attention outside of oneself, i.e., interest in history, the natural world, other cultures, literature, music, art...Creativity, etc. Service to others is probably the most important.
Acts of service is, for me, the antidote for despair. When Iâm feeling my lowest, but am pulled into someone elseâs pain or joy or regular life, by serving them, it changes everything. It doesnât fix my own struggles, but you canât stay permanently depressed, wallowing, sad - whatever - when you truly step aside from all of those and just focus on serving someone else for a bit.
Thanks for the amazing service you provide via Substack and your private practice. Iâm always seeking opportunities to fill my purpose cup. As such, I can relate to your writing.
Would you please mind sharing your version of (no brainer) meaning? ððŽIâm curious.
By the way, I find myself constantly trying to catch my purpose. I chose that verb because it seems such an elusive pursuit to me! Sheesh! I reiterate my gratitude!
Hi Tam...not sure what you mean by "your version of meaning"....meaning of life? I don't put a lot of weight in "meaning of life"...I think it is simply to "live"....it is a grand opportunity...it, to me, does not need more meaning than that. Purpose is a little be more difficult to come up with.
Gotcha! Thanks again!
I like the way Epicurus saw it, that pleasure is the absence of pain.
https://daily-philosophy.com/reading-epicurus-pleasure-and-pain/
True
Well, this is a constant and touchy subject for me. I watch people living their lives in such rudderless ways, always trying to DO things to make themselves feel better. They are never satisfied, never peaceful, never curious, never "thoughtful" or pondering things, and are completely unaware of the wonders all around them. I generally keep my thoughts to myself. But my dear niece, that I had always taken care of when her mom died, came to a point in her late 50's where she was having panic attacks because she was confused and "unhappy." She tried everything that is popular out there to try to make herself feel good - redecorating, drinking, buying things, even motorcycle racing. I tried so hard to get her to listen to the idea of her deeper self - her spiritual self - her 'aware" self that is behind her daily life and stop rushing around doing busy things. After a year of giving her books she refused to read, or trying to engage her in conversations about it, she suddenly yelled at me that she didn't want to know about such things, and hasn't spoken to me in 2 years. I regretfully assume I was ignorant in my approach. Anyway, it has been so obvious to me that people in our American materialistic, constant entertainment, thrill-a-minute culture that people are frighteningly empty and don't know it. I see older people who have their church community to give them purpose, but they still don't have peace or contentment. I see kids being so angry and ugly and hateful to everyone that it's frightening. Let me contrast that with videos made by Peter Santenello on Youtube that was taken through the biggest slum in India by a teenager who was delightful, desperately poor, but rich with endless friends in a culture that cares about each other. I think Americans have lost any deep connection to Nature, beauty, awe, gratitude, compassion, and just simply knowledge from lack of reading books written by people who have deeply thought about life. Todd, you are outstanding at bring up subjects that really get people to think about things. Thank you.
Thank you so much Barb...that is indeed what I am trying to do. It seems that so many of us have the same "thing" at our core...all I do is write what I am feeling, and so many of your resonate with it...most of the time at least.
You really said it here...and so well. All you say fits in exactly with my feelings...thank you for presenting them here. As they say "we are looking for love (another word for meaning and contentment) in all the wrong places"...so true.
Your patients are lucky. What a terrific bunch of thoughts you've put forth here. Regarding fun, I like it, and pursue it, and think it's an important part of life, at least for me. This passage "an intense physicality that causes the flow of adrenaline and dopamine" describes my favorite pastimes perfectly. Just got back from a few days of steelhead fishing. Mosquitos were bad, it was warmer than predicted. I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that when a steelhead (a 7-15 pound type of rainbow trout) struck, EVERYTHING else goes away. The mosquitos that were driving me crazy cease to exist. The pounding heart, being so completely in the moment, tell me I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. Now there's some therapy for you. Deer hunting creates the same thing. These type pursuits are not what you do if you're looking for instant gratification. The rarity of the payoff moments is what keeps them forever worth chasing. Not for everyone, some prefer tamer things like golf and movies. But for me that flow of adrenaline and dopamine is where it's at. Within the larger context of a meaningful life, best we can make it, of course.
Hey, if you are not complaining of depression, meaninglessness, lack of purpose, then you are doing everything just right!! Even if a person plays all of time, does not mean he/she is not making meaning of their lives. I do think, if analyzed, one would see the quality of "play" and "fun" is particular in nature...i.e., not sitting on a couch staring at a screen, being out with people, and nature, exercising the body, developing skills (behavioural mastery), engaged in relationships etc. etc.
I would suspect that at some point in an "active playful" life there would come up deeper meaningful things to spend one's time with...but if anyone is enjoying life to its fullest as you describe...then all power to them!!!
I wholeheartedly agree about nature. But then I'm biased, all my favorite activities involve being in the middle of it. Many never cause heart-pounding excitement, but I still love them. Those are the ones I can share with my wife, we're so lucky to be able to do that. Your mind goes to different places when in nature than when vegging out in front of a screen, I've noticed.
In a prayer we regularly pray at birthdays, we praise âthe God of play and funâ ðĨ°
Interesting, here in Germany we work with the same words. Happiness against contentment. Happiness is a short shiny feeling like having fun in a rollercoaster. While contentment is a more relaxed feeling that lasts longer, and is not so obvious. Many people are content without realizing this, they just feel good.
When i look into the old books from Norman Vincent Peale again i read something similar. People want to be happy instead of being content and realizing how good their situation already is. And as today, they don't want to work for their happiness, it should come instantly, otherwise they get bored, or are unsatisfied.
Noone today really ask himself or herself what the purpose of his or her life is, noone takes the time to sit back and relax, we just always have to do something. I think boredom is our only help. Just let all powerlines collapse, so the people realize, that they have human neighbours one can even talk too.
Part of the "masculine" paradigm is a great emphasis on "doing"...the feminine counterpart is "being"...our current materialist culture is much more focused on masculine principles...such as "doing"...manipulation of the material world (matter). People in this culture believe that "being happy" is the goal, and the only way to reach that goal is by "doing" something. As you say, very few realize the real goal is "contentment"...happy and fun is good for some of the time, and is very important, but isn't the "only thing"...
Thanks for your comment!!
Thanks, learned something today, haven't heard about the emphasis of the masculine and feminine concepts, but that explains a lot.
https://dailystoic.com/epicureanism-stoicism/
Bottom up purpose, vs top down purpose.
"Epicureans believe that avoiding pain means not fearing the gods or death, and not desiring things that are not both natural and necessary. Peace of mind should be maintained by living simply and having strong friendships with people you can count on."
I'm not much of a fan of Frankl.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/authoritarian-therapy/201703/is-it-ok-criticize-saint-humanizing-viktor-frankl
Like everyone who has something to say...some things are good, some not so good!!
And I am a real fan of realizing what is top down and what is bottom up...I think the distinction is very important...
True. There is no one perfect way. What works for some may not work for others.
As humans, I feel daily that weâre moving away from our humanity, believing machines are better suited to manage the menial tasks, all the way to âthinkingâ for us. Whatâs left if we outsource our very nature as physical, spiritual beings? There is no purpose for us. This disconnection from ourselves through the constant connection to everything BUT our true selves has, and continues to, create the âwar with ourselves/each other human, manifesting in the chaos of which we continually complain. There is diminishing authenticity of the reality of us as a unique species. Weâre voluntarily giving away our very souls. And the wily, sinister ones among us know and promote this as they understand how easily it makes controlling us; just like the very machines we think will make our lives better.
"As humans, I feel daily that weâre moving away from our humanity, believing machines are better suited to manage the menial tasks, all the way to âthinkingâ for us." A quite profound and important statement.
Everything else you say here is right on the mark in my book.
When my children were becoming adults, I also used to find that sentiment jarring and shallow when people would say 'I just want them to be happy'. I used to think 'so if your daughter had an affair with someone else's husband and broke up a family, but it made her 'happy', you'd think that was great?'. Not me. I told my children I hoped they would grow up to be responsible adults who would always consider other people and not always put themselves first (not saying it has always worked out 100% that way, but you try!).
So right on...I am happy to say I now know a parent who did not say "all I want for you (to child) is to be happy"...I understand why parents say this...it is easy and clear...but as you state, it is not very accurate.
Excellent article, Todd. I'm totally with Victor Frankl. I note also, that CS Lewis didn't call his book where he describes his slow and totally unwanted conversion to Christianity (as 'the most reluctant convert in all England') 'Surprised by Happiness'. He called it 'Surprised by Joy'.
Good point...Joy is quite different than Happy.
Seems like weâre culturally satiated in all our desires by the endless scroll of the screen. Like you said about the adrenaline and the dopamine, these digital interactions do the same - perhaps more insidiously because they give us a feel of being connected without any real connectivity. It makes me think of the drug in Brave New World, and the endless pursuit of fun, but the âSavageâ wants real life - âI want the freedom to work hard/sufferâ (or something along those lines). And, boy, do I feel that! I watched a little bit of TV as a teen, but I otherwise wasnât overly interested, and I was baffled at my peers who seemed to live their lives through Friends, crying together after the finale episode. Perhaps itâs that Iâd gone through real grief with the loss of my mother at 12 years old, but it made no sense to me (now, donât get me wrong, I love the catharsis of crying through a good movie, and also cried my way through Parenthood). Then again, my free time was usually spent wandering outside in nature, dreaming up gardens, writing poetry, and reading. Even now, part of my current cultural rebellion is that Iâve stopped watching entertainment of most all kinds, and I am back to a life of writing and wandering nature. Weâve never owned a tv, but smart phones and computers are more than enough for chronic distraction. I wonât let my children piddle around on my phone, not even to scroll through my picture reel. And when my 6 year old son asks why, Iâve told him âBecause this tool is not healthy for you, and your brain is still growing and I canât let it be impacted by it.â Meanwhile the software developer father scrolls the photo reel and Instagram with him. It could be worse, but, oh, it rankles me. Because Iâm the one facing the brunt of what addiction to technology does to a relationship (even without a porn addiction, just technology and coding). No pursuit, no physical interest, frustration at inconveniences and hard things, utter meaninglessness. The better word, I think, is âacediaâ. The overuse of technology creates Acedia, a spiritual sloth. I genuinely believe technology is the Baal of our day, it is the god that has replaced any place or need for God. Weâre always connected, so thereâs no need or room for the Holy Spirit to work in us. So meaninglessness reigns. Thereâs no goal, nothing in life to work towards, just endless computering, and thatâs enough somehow. I might be judgey about it, and perhaps Iâm wrong. But Iâm continuing my rebellion with my children. They are homeschooled and the 13 year old special
-needs girl down to the 6 year old boy know how to hand sew, machine sew, crochet, knit, quill, Highland dance, horseback ride, compose poetry, whittle, identify plants, and do their own (age/ability-appropriate) chores. They are never bored. Well, almost never, theyâre still human children ð My house might be a constant mess of handicrafts, but my children arenât living their lives through a screen. They have been provided with much fodder to keep a flame of meaningfulness as they grow - I hope, at any rate. And now, as my 6 year old is telling me get to get off my phone because I said itâs not good to be in it, Adieu! ð
Wow! âAcedÃaâ!
Thanks for your insight. I commend your parenting style. I totally agree with the Baal assessment.
âWeâre always connected, so thereâs no need or room for the Holy Spirit to work in us.â So true.
Seligman believes happiness comes from pursuing the good life, finding flow and meaning. Later he added having fulfilling relationships. We will include these four variables in our biopsychosocial assessment (with children) at our new center in Portsmouth. A easy question would be, "What are the things you do that provide you with a sense of purpose?"
Acts of service, for one. Expanding attention outside of oneself, i.e., interest in history, the natural world, other cultures, literature, music, art...Creativity, etc. Service to others is probably the most important.
Acts of service is, for me, the antidote for despair. When Iâm feeling my lowest, but am pulled into someone elseâs pain or joy or regular life, by serving them, it changes everything. It doesnât fix my own struggles, but you canât stay permanently depressed, wallowing, sad - whatever - when you truly step aside from all of those and just focus on serving someone else for a bit.
It is the number one antidote for depression